just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
