I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
