I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
