Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize