the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
