i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
