A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
