I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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