There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
