stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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