Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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