so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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