it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
