Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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