Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
COCAINE IS GR8
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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