Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
