I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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