I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
