I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
