DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
