I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
