Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
