Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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