I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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