He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
