lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize