if you like me you must not know who I am
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
