I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
