Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
