you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
