Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
