If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
