he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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