Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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