Soap is not a condiment
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
