I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
