Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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