You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
