tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
