my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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