and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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