no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
