I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Randomize
