He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
