my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
3pm strippers are depressing
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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