I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
