Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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