Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
