It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
