I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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