i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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