i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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