genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
