so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
