Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
