Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
