when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
