the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She even gives head with a lisp.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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