He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
