I met the friendliest cop last night
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
